May was a bit of a strange inside-my-own-head month for me. Work finally began to pick up so I was very busy with commissions, but I had this real sense of unease the whole time. It was almost a guilty feeling.
Have you ever been so inspired and motivated, only to have it bubble over into guilt and anxiety? Because that's what happened to me last month. I was extremely busy with new commissions that I've so desperately needed after a bit of a dry spell, but I wasn't very happy. Usually my happy place is painting, lots and lots of painting, and so surely I should have been happy to be being paid to do this?
But during May I became obsessed with bettering myself. I became obsessed with the future, and trying to secure my own one. I think after months of thumb-twiddling and worrying slightly that I might not be able to afford rent, I wanted to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I came to this conclusion whilst knowing full well that the second half of the year has always been where I've made my money, and that it always works out ok. The guilt came into play because I never felt I had enough time to achieve the goals I set myself. Try as I may, I found that annoying things such as "sleep" and "paid work" came between me and my impossible goals.
The video I put together didn't in any way convey this, and in a way, I'm glad. I want to forget this horrible feeling I've had, and enter June with a sense of optimism and inspiration, without all of the pressure. I must remind myself I'm only human, and there needs to be a balance between work and play.